The topic of Bullying is certainly a popular one, with memes and videos all over social media depicting heart-wrenching consequences of a person, typically a child, who has been bullied. I believe that we are not creating solutions with this method, but rather we are creating a victim-culture. I know on the outset this may sound a little insensitive or unpopular. but hear me out. The communication of meanness and especially bullying is absolutely necessary, we can not allow our children to treat others like this and we can not tolerate our children being targets of a bully. We need to shine a light on this darkness so that kids and adults can come out and feel safe as they share their stories. We need to listen to the stories....but as we listen our response needs to be more than “you poor thing”, “wait until I get my hands on that bully”, “no one is going to treat my kid like that” and we start raising our fists of righteous anger in retaliation and revenge. When we do that we have only taught our kids that the important thing is that someone takes our side and that getting angry at injustice is the solution, make them pay for what they have done. This my friends, is not the solution. It is certainly the normal reaction but it is also the reaction that keeps us blind of the growth that is waiting to happen.
No one wants to be called names and be abused physically, mentally, or emotionally. It is never ok. But I wonder if we stop for a minute and ask ourselves, “How much power are we going to let a bully, mean person, rude person have over our thoughts and minds?” First of all there is a distinct difference between bullying, being mean, and being rude. Please be mindful of the words you use to characterize your child’s or your experience. Bullying is a whole level up from kids or adults being mean or rude, none is to be tolerated. Once you have established what the situation truly is then you can move forward with an action plan. Here is where maybe I become unpopular. I think we are missing something in the anti-bullying movement. What I have seen is that we are missing the opportunity to empower our kids. To give them the tools to stare adversity in the face and overcome it. This does not mean they are alone. This means they need people to come alongside them. But it also means that no matter how harsh the bullying that the other person needs to be confronted in love. Yes, confronted IN LOVE. Sure this person has dished out so much hatred and maybe even pure evil, this is why the person who has been on the receiving end needs support. It needs to be made known that the words, actions, and sentiments of said person are no longer going to be tolerated. Not by instituting a zero tolerance policy but by creating an environment of talking, standing up, and confronting in love. The “victim” and I say this in quotes because you are what you believe you are. If someone has told you that you are a loser and worthless and you let them into your psyche and you believe them....then you gave them power over who God actually created you to be. Whether you believe in God or not is your choice, but each person is here on purpose. There is no one person who’s life is pointless. Which bring me to the next point, the bully’s life matters too (I said it). The one thing that bully’s do not control is your mind and your heart. You, the person they chose as their target, their punching bag, still holds the cards. Once we start teaching kids that they are not anyone’s punching bags, that no one gets to determine their worth, we will start seeing things change. You see the biggest lie in humanity is that we are worthless. If a person starts to believe they are worthless or won’t measure up, depression and anxiety become their best friends. Then the spiral begins. Every person has an innate desire to know that they are worth something to know that they matter. Why do you think bullies bully!? It makes them feel powerful and gives them a sense of being over someone, they have created their own purpose in life. As the victim, when you start believing their lies, you have just transferred your power and your purpose over to them.
We must start empowering our children and even adults to see that each person has worth. We have to sit and listen. I know there is no time to sit and listen anymore. What would happen if the parent of a child who was bullied asked to come sit and have lunch with the bully or if the teachers had the bully and the child bullied sit and have lunch together and worked to find something they had in common. Folks, we have put up walls because we stop seeing every person as having worth, as someone in need of love and forgiveness. Maybe this all sounds pie in the sky to you.....but maybe you are also continuing to hold on to your own fears, your own hurts and are seeking revenge or justice. Maybe you just want to feel needed and important.
Here are some tips, you can apply them to yourself or teach them to your children:
Get involved:
You must get active. You must do something. The energy that builds up over negative circumstances must be channeled or it will consume you (anxiety/depression). I know you don’t feel like getting out of bed, facing anyone, you feel like you physically can’t. You can! I know you can....put one foot in front of the other. Our family was just part of a service project in our inner city, 4 kids ages 3-9, some bad attitudes and a miserable forecast of heat. There wasn’t a lot in our favor. Do you know we walked away from the day rejoicing (and exhausted). I can I tell you that not one volunteer walked away feeling unimportant or unnecessary. No matter what they approached the day battling, there was no way to serve on a service project and feel unnecessary.
Seek out people who don’t have a role:
If you are an event organizer, look for the person who is hanging by themselves. Get that person paired up with the person who seems to be surrounded by people or take them under your wing, learn their story, and then partner them up with someone as you create a common bond. Some people are so caught up in their own heartache and pain that they need someone else to have eyes to show them the light.
Pray:
Maybe you have a hard time believing that there is a God because you can’t see him and all you can see are the circumstances around you, but I challenge you to pray this simple prayer. God, alright, here I am, I have nothing to give, I feel worthless, empty, hopeless. Can you show me what my purpose is? Can you ignite a new passion in my heart to live for what you created me to do? Can you bring even just one person into my life to help show me a new path? Can you give me the energy or power to just take one step.
Let Go:
I know Elsa made it popular, but true forgiveness is mentioned in the Bible over and over again and it’s not a dead principle. And it’s not a matter of just letting it go, it’s far deeper. Each of us have things in our life that we hang on to that hinder us. Hinder us in moving forward to see clearly what the path ahead is. That path may become so clouded and dark and hopeless that we even ponder or attempt taking our own life. Let me be the first to assure you that you were not put on this planet to take your own life. Once you start understanding what forgiveness truly is you will be freed up to live fully free. Fully understanding love and forgiveness through the depths of pain that you have endured at the hands of someone else, will enable you to hope and trust once again. Then you regain the power, rather than keeping your power locked up or transferred to the person who hurt you.
Kill them with Kindness:
This may be the hardness tip of all. What be kind to a bully!? No way! Everything in your being rebels against the idea of this. You don’t know what they did, you don’t know how much they have hurt my child. Everything in me believes that if you put on kindness eventually even the hardest heart will turn. You may not live to see the rewards of your kindness, but the bully on the receiving end will never forget. They want t your lunch money, bring them extra money and let them know you brought them extra. They might even get more angry at first. Invite them to a public outing, a park a bbq......oh it’s going to be uncomfortable. I believe that as adults walk alongside a child to acknowledge pain and then come up with solutions of kindness that they feel they can take on we will see the bullying culture shift. I know that was the premise of friendship benches etc. But it’s not enough, because we have to have an active culture of kindness and we have to acknowledge kids who are reaching out for help. Certainly, never put a child back into a dangerous situation with a gang of bullys where they could get hurt. What I am talking about is being active in mind to say what can we do to show the bully that we are all human, that we all hurt, we all break and that we are not going to tolerate the bullying but that we understand they have a heart too and that they need a purpose.
DO NOT GIVE AWAY THE KEYS TO YOUR MIND OR YOUR HEART
The Bible tells us to guard our hearts because they are deceitful. What you take in on a daily basis will determine what you believe about yourself and the world. What are you filling your mind with?
It is heart-wrenching to see our children suffer but what if we can remember that adversity is just an opportunity to grow. It is painful at the moment but keep your eyes’s open, do not close off your heart and let it grow cold and bitter. There is love and light just around the corner when you are open to give and receive it. Some of the very hardest things I trudged through in life have been things that have allowed me to write, allowed me to process forgiveness, allowed me to have compassion, and yet even allowed me to understand what healing looks like. I wonder what is locked away in your mind and your heart or what potential is in your child if you give them the tools to be overcomers? Let us not be bullied to the point that we are all blind to creating solutions.
Empowered Kids will climb to the highest heights instead of sinking to the lowest lows.
